Psalms of Nicodemus

Status: QUERYING, Professionally Edited

Genre: YA Contemporary/LGBTQ+/Literary

Nicodemus must reconcile himself with his lifelong Lutheran faith and his growing relationship with Emmanuel, all while under the oppressive eye of his Lutheran High School.

Summary

When Nicodemus started at Redeemer Lutheran High, he quashed a true rumor that he was gay. Doing so allowed him to avoid expulsion, public humiliation, and/or his parents throwing him out of the house. Four years later, Nic moves carefully and deliberately to keep his head down. Pastor Boulder preaches the evils of "tolerance" in his Worldviews course, while bolstering his own brand of Christianity, leaving Nic to grapple with his sense of identity, faith (or lack thereof), and safety.

Nic faces a further challenge when Emmanuel, a self-analyzing shot putter transfer from public school, casually slides into his life. It's not long before the school administration is alerted to a possible "gay subculture," leading to teachers stalking the halls and surveilling students. When a student is expected of being the informant, Nic must decide whether to stand with Emmanuel and the life he wants or to remain in the shadows of the faith he's always known.

PSALMS OF NICODEMUS would hook fans of Last Night at the Telegraph Club by Malinda Lo, Only Mostly Devastated by Sophie Gonzales, and the Aristotle and Dante books by Benjamin Alire Sáenz. All share the same quietly hostile environments while reassuring audiences of the availability of love and resilience in those environments.

This novel is inspired by my own experiences as a gay teen in a religious school and the lifelong psychological scars religious education leaves. My hope is that this book can reassure LGBTQ+ youth trapped in these schools that there is a way out, while also showing others that explicit conversion therapy is not the only psychological harm perpetrated by Christian education initiatives.

Central Characters

Nicodemus (Nic) - a gay student at Redeemer trying to make his way through senior year without getting caught.
Emmanuel (Emmy) - a transfer student from the public school, Emmy is a shot putter with a simple honesty about him.
Fiona - one of Nic's best friends. She aspires to medical school and is in a relationship with Trever.
Trever - one of Nic's best friends. He is a football player at the school and known for his confident and casual demeanor. Trever pushes Nic to confront his feelings and take chances, especially as it's senior year.
Pastor Boulder (PBo) - Redeemer Lutheran High's religion teacher, currently teaching Worldviews to Nic and his classmates. PBo is passionate about his teachings, while retaining some of the oft preached compassion. His passion combines with his mercurial nature, causing him to lash out at students who push beyond his patience for intellectual pushback.
Michael - a former close friend of Nic's and leader of the Archangels, a Christian rock band and clique at Redeemer. Michael remains rigid in the Lutheran dogma, viewing Nic as a corrupting influence on Emmy and the school at large.

Excerpt

Our movements in the pool became more and more light and tired. The sun was beginning to set. We stood there, the water coming up to my shoulders while it only reached up to the center of Emmy’s chest. I looked up and noticed his eyes. The honey sunshine warmth of them, but then a droplet of water made me look higher. His eyelashes were coated in the droplets, shining in the dying light of the day. They made his eyes shimmer. I never believed that that was possible, just like you’d never believe that someone heart pounding against their chest so hard it formed an imprint was possible. He inched a little closer to me as the leftover waves from our movements smoothed and rocked against us. He tentatively reached out a hand, putting it against my face and smirking. His thumb rubbed over my cheek, the wetness of the pool making me feel his thumb slip and slide over the heavy bumps of my skin. My heart leapt at the realization that if he somehow hadn’t noticed my pimple mask by now, he absolutely could as he felt it. I sheepishly lifted my eyes to his without moving my head. I scanned his face for the telltale signs of disgust and judgement, but they weren’t there. He didn’t look at me with the disdain that my mother did before she told me I was being lazy and should wash my face more, a trash can full of empty treatment bottles and face wipes next to me. But he also didn’t look at me with the clinical analysis that the doctors did before prescribing another sickly colored plastic oblong pill that would cause me days of stomach clenching and vomiting. Instead, he was studying my face. Not the flaws in it but as if he was looking for something, but what? Signs of emotion? Was he making sure that I was OK with this? Perhaps permission? His lips twitched as he looked down at me, me returning his gaze. I wondered what kind of emotion I was giving off in return. My fear of judgment rose up to steer my emotions and prepare to hesitate, but was shoved aside by the realization that he had his hand on me. He calmly held my face without an inch of apprehension, the stillness of confidence and surety radiating from him to me. Meanwhile, I stood there almost rigidly with my arms at my sides, a receiver of that confidence. I tried to mold my awe into an invitation, realizing that giving him no reaction would probably make him think that I was uncomfortable or, god forbid, uninterested. I commanded my frozen muscles to lean through their rigid state into his touch ever so slightly, trying to show that I acknowledged and wanted his touch, that I wasn’t pulling away. But I wouldn’t push us any further. I was an open secret at the school, but he didn’t have any rumors attached to his name. I had been burned by the emotional tourists before, and while I trusted Emmy, I had been wrong before. Oh so many times. I smiled up at carefully, almost ready to laugh it off if all of a sudden he played it off as a joke. I gave him the last sign that I could give him without my ravenous desire for him taking over. The shadows cast by the setting sun grew longer as we stood there, dousing us in red light as our eyes finally met. We had finished studying each other, in a way that only a couple of queer kids in a Christian school would, determining if what was happening was real, or a trap. The pewter cross necklace I received after my Confirmation transmuted into a heavy iron bar as God, or at least his specter, crossed my mind in an attempt to ruin the moment. I wondered if God was a third member of this party for Emmy too. But despite of the weight, despite the feeling of being watched from on high, I found myself again lost in Emmy’s eyes. He kissed me as the world melted around us, the cattails whispering in the breeze around us and the red sunset fading to black.